It should have been a simple walk out across the grass just a few feet from the patio (to grab a neighbors poorly thrown doggie ball) and back again before retreating to cocktails and refreshing shade. The Bastard got me before I even got a third step down. The books call him a Vespid pest, or yellowjacket. Here we call them Meat Bees or Mackerel Bees. They sting like a son-of-a-bitch. Jimmy buffet ain't got nothing on my filp-flop blow out this day, the sting site ballooned to the size of a half dollar and felt like a red hot branding iron on an open cold sore. The scary part is he was not alone. I looked around and suddenly saw the grass was alive with these bastards. The were silently hovering less than an inch over the dry grass that was pot marked by fallen & rotting purple Jacaranda flowers. It was the rancid sweet nectar of the flower bud they were seeking, I was a mere casualty of the feeding frenzy. My yard had become a mine field and I never saw it coming.
I had deep concern because Yellowjackets are more than just your run-of-the-mill lawn 'nuisance' bug, Yellowjackets are notorious for their aggressiveness, often grouping in large numbers when provoked and taking farm equipment and machinery 'hostage' when the operator ventures too close to their territory. Just the sound of lawn tools will anger and provoke a swarm of these black & yellow bastards and they WILL attack. Unlike the common house bee, these nasty devils don't die after stinging - they just pull out, turn, and charge you again - often resulting in repeated stings. And it only takes 60-70 stings to kill a healthy human, not a far fetched number when you figure that each hive can contain up to 300 workers on the job at any given time. But wait, it gets worse! Entomologists are now warning of a new, far more aggressive species of these bastards making the rounds in Southern California, a nasty North European Yellowjacket that is much more belligerent and quicker to sting than it's American cousin - with or without provocation, it doesn't care. This new strain of yellowjacket is particularly frightening when you realize that it has a hive that can produce up to 6,000 workers a season. There's even a recent case on record where a horse died from their venom after running into one of these hell-spawned yellow swarms.
So why are they called 'Meat Bees'? Because they eat meat, pure and simple. They are protein sucking vampires. Actually these devils also feed on sugars and carbohydrates but most often are found feeding from the carcass of a dead animal or picking at a dead fish at a lake's edge. I've personally had trouble keeping them away from fresh cut Mackerel bait during fishing trips up at Quail Lake. They have been known to attack and kill mice for food, as well as other small animals and insects. But they could also just as easily be called 'Sugar Bees', as they will target soft drinks, beer, orange juice and any other sugar based drink. Many high schools have reported problems with Yellowjackets, mostly due to the fact school trash bins are littered with soda cans and citrus drink containers (and, yes my 'in denial' parents, beer cans). Or in the case of my lawn, sweet flowers. Yet another reason to hate the Jacaranda tree (because the fact they ruined the paint on my car just wasn't enough).
So what now? Time to build a damn Mackerel Bee Trap, that's what - Follow along now, you may need this someday. I started with a green liter plastic soda bottle (yes, I see the irony), and I cut a large hole into the side of it. I filled the bottom with 6 inches of water and added 5 drops of dish soap to 'slick' the top of the water (The soapy water weakens the surface tension so they quickly sink). I then hung a small can of fish based cat food (with 4 large holes punched in the bottom of it) about 1/2" above the water - a string running from the can to the top of the bottle then tied to a stick should hold the can in place (A hunk of Turkey or Ham can be used in place of the cat food). I then hung this entire contraption from a tree in the yard (after putting shoes on) - The idea is the Yellowjacket will enter the bottle and start feeding from the bottom of the cat food can - gorge himself on my dime and then fall into the water and sting me no more. That's the theory anyway, time will tell.
Next move? I say a dollop of calamine lotion, a shot of Bourbon and a marinate for my dinner chicken with the GD Sweet Meat Bee in mind. With Honey as a base, I came up with this Grilled Red Honey chicken, perfect for boneless skinless Chicken - be sure to reserve some of the marinade for basting during the grill process, and maybe a tablespoon or two for a nice red (spicy) plate drizzle. It reflects the throbbing red area from the sting nicely!
RED HONEY CHICKEN
1/4 cup Olive Oil
1/3 cup Wild Honey
1/3 cup reduced sodium Soy Sauce
1" piece fresh Ginger (minced fine)
1 TBS ground Achiote powder
1 TSP ground Chipotle Chili Pepper
- I chose Achiote powder to give the sauce the nice deep red look of a BBQ Sauce (a reflection of the sting site) and an earthy chili / pepper flavor- I love this stuff, so versatile and very easy to find here in L.A.. Small packages of ground Achiote (packaged in 79 cent EL GUAPO packets) hang from the Mexican spice racks in most major grocery stores - I got mine from Ralphs. The ground Chipotle Chili pepper maybe a little harder to find, but worth the search - a must-have to impart a nice smoky bite to the sauce (and reflect the actual sting in a pleasanter way). I was able to get a 2.35 oz bottle from the Hot Pepper store at the Fairfax Farmers Market (Pacific Natural Spice Brand). The wild honey was locally collected.
The only problem I have now is getting out the back door and over to the grill with a platter of sweet marinated raw chicken without drawing attention to myself... Damn those Sweet loving, Meat eating, soulless Bastards!
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