The heat has me restless, thirsty and irritable. Not the 'water' kind of thirsty but the Big Daddy Dino kind of thirsty. The 'Fill my glass and let's get gassed' kind of thirsty. Weekends were made for beating the heat and I can think of no better way to bring my cranky, restless, thirsty ass back to an even keel than with a Sunday tango behind the bar. Yes, it's cocktail hour here at the playground - and I think I have a Rum Watermelon itch that needs a scratch.
This was my thing in school, I was the Rum Watermelon guy. If you were having a dorm party, you called me and ordered one. If you were having a protest in the park, you called me and I brought one. If you needed to smuggle alcohol into an event, you came by and we poured one into Planter's Punch bottles. It was what I did. It has been many years since I last made one of these nasty brain bombs - but my ingredient list is still crisp and legible on the back of that stripper's business card and It brought back a flood of memories (of both of them to be honest). For me, there is something playfully exotic about this green and red Molotov Cocktail of a drink that cannot be denied. With excitement, I gathered up the ingredients and had a go at my (once famous) rum watermelon.
If you are following along at home
first gather up what you'll need in advance, last minute store-runs really suck when you have an open bottle of Rum calling to you. I usually start with a nice fat large watermelon - seeds be damned, you won't have to deal with them - this is a drinker, not a chewer melon. Two oranges, a lime, an 8 oz can of sliced Pineapple, a small jug of Hawaiian Punch and an island-distilled bottle of white Rum (oh, and a couple of extra shots of Spiced Rum) will round out the must-haves on your ingredient list. The Tiki glass (and Flamingo swizzle stick) is just Gravy on the Pork.
Start by cutting a nice soup ladle sized hole on the top of the melon. This is going to be a replaceable top, like a pumpkin at Halloween, so cut it at a slight angle. Scoop out all the red flesh and dump it into a large two-gallon zip lock baggy. Now stomp the crap out of the bag. The idea is to extract the juice from the watermelon (okay, use a juicer if you got it, fancy pants). Now we're ready to make the king of lazy summer drinks.
Pour enough Rum to fill just over 1/4 of the melon core. Next, fill another 1/4 of the melon with Hawaiian Punch and 1/4 with the juice of the watermelon itself. Now squeeze the juice from the lime and the juice from 1 and 1/2 oranges into the watermelon core. Finally pour in the juice from the can of Pineapple slices and stir it all well - adjusting the Rum as needed (here's where I always add a couple of shots.. ah-hum, 3 or 4 shots of SPICED rum to the mix). Slice the remaining 1/2 Orange, cut those slices in halves and dump them in. Do the same with the pineapple slices. Time to seal her up and let her chill. Replace the top and light that old stick of sealing wax you have in the junk drawer - yea, I guess you can use red candles but it won't seal as well - maybe I should have led off with this - now you'll have to go to the store with an open bottle of Rum right there calling to you. Oh well, you'll live. After it's sealed, slap a Rum label on the front (it's just good advertising) and place the melon in the refrigerator to chill 2 hours. Remove, carry it down to a friends house and crack the seal. Ladle it up into Tiki Glasses and and toast to my sweet forgotten stripper friend.
...OK, I admit it, I've made a big deal over a small show. Yes, this is just a novelty act, a monkey on a tightrope with two yellow umbrellas and a big red poka-dot tie. But don't let the cheesy carnival facade and the gritty roadside glam of this beast totally fool you, it packs a mean punch (pun intended). Sure, the sweet fruity bouquet plays on the tongue like so much teenager sangria. But it's fools poker to let your guard down and begin swilling this kiddy matinee concoction. It'll sneak up on you like a bloody hangnail and hammer you into next week.
So why did I make it? Or more importantly - why the hell will I drink it? Because this drink is my day in the tropics, a gentle offshore breeze and another carefree day in paradise. And like an island vacation, it's time I went. Just for today (and be damned with tomorrow), it's time I went.
Matt and I doing the Rum Watermelon thing in school MANY years ago - notice the high tech 'pour spout' we plugged into the side of the melon!
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